Last month, the Procrustean Clothing company announced that it would begin production of “Perfect Size” jeans, which it intended to sell for a whopping $75,000 per pair, putting them in the top five of most expensive jeans sold, and undeniably the most expensive without precious metals or stones included in the design. Company owner and chief designer Frazier Guldenboom was quoted in the press release as saying, “At last, women will no longer have to hunt for jeans which fit them properly. Without question, the Perfect Size jeans will fit them, because we’ll make sure they fit Perfect Size.”
A week later, Guldenboom joined well-known Brazilian swimwear model Dardanella Falcao on the front steps of the company’s new Los Angeles hospital, the Procrustean Adjustment Clinic, where together they revealed that she was the first purchaser of a pair of Perfect Size jeans, and would be taking up a position as spokesperson for Procrustean. Smiling as she stood with the aid of crutches, Falcao praised the service provided by Procrustean to the purchasers of its products. “All my adult life, despite the praise I have recieved for my looks, I have had great difficulty in purchasing trousers with my long legs and unusual waist height. Now, thanks to buying Perfect Size, those troubles are behind me.”
The press conference was cut short when Dardanella, apparently still weak from the surgery, became faint and asked to be taken back inside.
Just this morning, another happy Procrustean customer was interviewed outside the physical therapy room; Angela Prowse, who described herself as “just an average accountant”, was all smiles as she described the decision to spend what had been her retirement savings on a pair of Perfect Size jeans.
“Buying jeans was always a struggle, because it seemed that no company would make a pair that fit a larger gal right. There was always that muffin-top at the waist-band, and you just couldn’t bend. Sure, Perfect Size are expensive, but to know that they’ll fit right is worth the money. At least three of my friends are going to be undergoing the purchase next week.”
When asked what size she wore before picking up the Perfect Size, Prowse blushed before saying, “Fourteen extra short. Isn’t that ridiculous? And as a bonus, once the pins grow in completely, I’ll be three inches taller! I guess from the waist up I’m still a little big, but now I’ve got a real, concrete goal to shoot for with my diet.”
Some medical professionals have challenged the wisdom of Procrustean’s one-size-fits-all approach, but Guldenboom points out that the women buying his jeans are doing so of their own free choice, have signed the binding waiver, and that to date there are no deaths attributable to the fitting process. “That poor lady from Davenport had pre-existing conditions, which she did not reveal to the staff at the store or at the Clinic,” he said, speaking of retired teacher and lottery-winner Millicent Davies, who passed away last week without regaining consciousness.
Today’s press access to the Adjustment Clinic was granted as part of the run up the Procrustean’s “Are You Size Perfect?” contest. Dardanella, no longer requiring assistance, walked into the conference room to announce that any woman who purchased a pair of Perfect Size jeans and who did not require any alteration to wear them (as judged by the Sizing Professionals at the Clinic) would receive five times the purchase price back, and a week-long vacation for two at the Korydallos Spa on Crete.
Purchase Procrustean Clothing Co. “Perfect Fit” jeans online: available in size 4 Petite.
“Exciting New Designer Jeans” ©2016 Dirck de Lint